The three year old bully

Bullying is not a natural state for kids at the age of three. Yes I know all kids bite, hit and scratch at each other at this age but true BULLYING is not a normal thing for them... the simple reason for this is that a child at this age has no concept of intentionally causing pain to others.

If you get down to the root of bullying isn't that exactly what it is, to cause another human being intentional pain, be that emotional or physical pain is of little difference to the bully. They merely want to see another person hurting for purely selfish reasons. (These reasons can be because they feel small and weak when faced with larger bullies in other areas of there lives and therefore feel the need to make another person feel smaller and weaker, most bullies are bullied or at least have been bullied - to me this is NO EXCUSE).

I was recently asked by the mother of a three year old, what she can do to stop her child from bullying others at his school. The kid is only three so the fact that the teachers have labeled him a bully already pinched a nerve. I need to clarify that I work with this mom*.

So here is my point of view. If a child at the age of three is intentionally and not re-actively hitting others you need to look at the examples set at home and at the school**. As many children hit, bite and scratch to get a meaning across that they do not yet know how to verbalize, the school is prepared and expects a certain amount of the above mentioned actions to take place.

However if the child does not stop these actions in a certain time-frame they have to inform the parents. This should be done in private and candidly without placing blame on any party in the conversation... this was clearly not what the school chose to do, as they discussed it with the mother one morning at drop off time with a whole bunch of other parents present. AND just to put the cherry on my Sunday of Irritation they labeled the child a "Bully".

BIG NO NO!

I hate labels... always have always will. The school in their handling of the situation was dead wrong. This is my First point of view... followed by my second point of view.

Children need to be spoken with not spoken at. If you expect your child to verbalize things you need to give them every opportunity to learn how to verbalize their own feelings and thoughts by asking them questions and allowing them to answer... a question is not "Are you playing with a ball?" this is a Yes or No type question, a question is more along the lines of "What are you busy doing/ What would you like to do?" These are questions that require thought to answer and even if you assist them in answering they start to think and feel that they have a voice.

If a child is constantly talked at they wont know how to let others know that they are upset about something. Consequently, if your reaction to misbehavior is always to smack or shout what ells do you expect them to do if they see another child doing something they view as misbehaving ? A child will do what they are taught to do, if you teach them that grabbing something from you results in their hand being smacked you can't be angry at them if the smack another child for taking their toy.

This behavior is not bullying, it is mimicking what they see and experience, we as parents tend to forget that we are not only raising our children, we are teaching them how to be functioning human beings by showing them how we do it.... but then again this might be Just My Point of View.

* Many of my future blogs will be based on their family dynamics as the situation is unique, I'm her manager and she is the bosses wife, he has two teenage children from a previous marriage and they have one son together. Our offices also run out of their home... i see all hear all situation.

** I used to teach, this might be one of the many roots to my adiment opinnions, but it also gives me a clear view of both sides of this story.

#Schools #Toddler #Bully #Colleague