It's Positive
Last year October we received the good news, Pregnant, we were over the moon with excitement and told anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. I peed on stick after stick delightedly watching that second line turning darker and darker.
My usual Gynecologist had immigrated so we found a new one, and made our appointment falling nicely on the 9 week mark. Sitting in that waiting room was so exciting, all the other mommies-to-be surrounding us, like little windows into my future. I get asked to go pee in yet another cup, not at all worried (I was an old pro by then) Nothing could faze me.
Then we went in, curtly met the doctor who instructed me to strip off my undies and started an internal ultra sound... "Are you sure you are pregnant?" My heart stops... "Yes"... She looks harder, I see the relieve in her eyes " ah there it is, you have a tilted uterus." I exhale... "How far long are you?"... "Nine weeks" she frowns..."Are you sure?"... "Yes, Why"... I think the look I gave my husband might have frozen the warmest desert.
"It's seem the fetus stopped growing at 7 weeks, you have had a Missed Miscarriage" ... what happened after this sentence feels very blurry... like trying to make out the details on a person's face through a window in pouring rain. The next week was spent in stages of bitter sadness and disbelieve. We clung to each other, flimsy life rafts in a summer storm. My body had no idea how it had disappointed me, I wanted to punish it for allowing this to happen.
The storm kept raging and everything got tinted in this horrible pain, until we slowly found our laughter again, learnt to see past this pain and live again. There are people who experience so much more pain than this, woman who have tried and failed to bring life to this world over and over again. Yet at the time I didn't care, for me our pain was ours...incomparable. But the sun started shining and the birds started singing and we started trying again.
After the MMC my cycles went wonky and nearly every month things happened later and later so peeing on sticks become a monthly ritual, and if the first one was negative I would convince myself it was a false negative... Googling with blinders on, only seeing posts from woman who never tested positive and still turning out to be pregnant. Month after Month I put myself and my husband through this.
Then this month came along... my feet started swelling (the first sign I had with my previous pregnancies) then my boobs got very tender. My previous cycle was almost 38 days, so I didn't get excited but decided to get a test (and knowing deep down that I must be imagining my symptoms I bough a pack of ovulation tests with the two pregnancy tests) I went home peed again and waited... one line (one very faint control line) and I start going down the rabbit hole... it must be a false negative.
Sitting on the bed looking at that one hated line I though to my self "NO" I'm not doing this again. I got up and got dressed for date-night with my husband. After getting home rather late I removed my bra with extreme care, my breasts were so ridiculously sore! The rest of the weekend something kept nagging me so Sunday afternoon I took the last test and went to the toilet.... sitting on our bed by the light I stare in disbelieve, there is a very faint second line.
Calling my husband we both just stare at the line "I need another test, you need to get me another test" and he did. He went to 3 different stores to find one that is still open and got one of the fancy digital ones. The insert warns that the result can take up to 3 minutes... one minute later and a clear and decisive "Pregnant" appears on the screen... Exhale...
I'm scared, I'm excited and scared, I'm happy, excited and scared... now we just need to remember too Breath!
